Derry Girls- Laugh till you Cry

It has been a long time since I’ve written a blog. It’s not that it’s been a deliberate neglection, but rather it has just fallen so far down the priority list this last year, it’s practically been buried into the ground. If you read my little mission statement that I outlined in my very first blog (not that I’m suggesting you do) you’ll see that I wanted to use this page as an outlet for my passions; essentially anything that I care about enough that I feel the need to put my feelings towards it on paper, or yknow WordPress. This has previously included why Chelsea shouldn’t sack Frank Lampard (that one was proven almost immediately idiotic), the f***ing European Super League (still fuming about that) and then any books or films that I fell in love with. And it is the latter that is the reason for me ending my self-imposed blog hiatus now.

I have just watched the final ever episode of Derry Girls. And though I am prone to over-exaggeration and have a tendency to declare the last good thing I’ve seen as “the greatest ever”, I am actually pretty confident in this latest shotgun reaction: Derry Girls is the past decade’s best, and defining, television comedy.

I actually first discovered the show around three years ago, in a pre-Covid world, when I was living abroad in Germany. I think I was randomly suggested some small clip compilations on YouTube and when caught in one of those mindless YouTube cycles where all your body is capable of is clicking the next video, I found Derry Girls for the first time. Perhaps on some level, I was crying out for the comfort of traditional British humour in my unfamiliar surroundings and that’s why it connected with me. Or it could be that the show is just really, really bloody funny.

It is perfectly suited to my sense of humour. Not necessarily jokes every minute and not anything dramatically cruel or shocking. Not quite a PG kind of comedy, but certainly 12A. It’s gentle humour, not clever or experimental, just real people making fun of each other like real people do. It’s something I mentioned in my love letter to Gavin and Stacey (https://georgefbrown.wordpress.com/2021/01/16/a-love-letter-to-gavin-and-stacey/) and it’s not as easy or as unremarkable as it sounds. It’s incredibly hard to write, and then to recreate on screen.

This is linked to the fact that the show is so intrinsically tied to its setting; you can’t ignore the Derry in Derry Girls basically. It is a snapshot of one specific place in one very specific era, with an incredibly important historical context. And it’s based on the creator’s (Lisa McGee) own childhood experiences in that place. So, it’s not really a surprise that it all feels real. To some extent, it probably is. However, the next reason I think the show deserves so much credit is that it would be easy, within the cosy little world it creates, to get comfortable and unambitious with its content. Instead, McGee takes risks with her themes and plotlines and they all pay off.

Even though great efforts are made to make it seem like the 1990’s, we still have clever little hints to the issues of today. One of the girls, Claire, is revealed to be a lesbian in Series One, and that is quickly and happily accepted by her friends and family. Without stereotyping, I think it’s a fair statement that your average Catholic family in 1990’s Northern Ireland might not have been quite so understanding, so it’s certainly a deliberate move on the part of the writer to normalise this. And, as with everything in Derry Girls, it allows for some fantastic and unproblematic comedy. One of my favourite scenes in the last series is Claire’s parents talking to an openly gay friend about their daughter, I can’t quote it directly but it’s something like: “Our daughter’s one too, though she’s still young, so she’s not fully qualified yet.”

And this risk-taking continues with the show’s outright refusal to ignore the darker side of the time period. It weaves the everyday, nonsensical issues of teenage life in with the major events of The Troubles seamlessly: Season One concludes with the girls joining Orla in a joyful step-aerobics session on stage whilst her family watches the news coverage of a nearby bombing on television, the girls celebrate James’s decision to stay in Derry whilst waiting for President Clinton to make a speech and in the finale, Erin and Orla’s eighteenth birthday party is somewhat overshadowed by the referendum on the Good Friday Agreement. Which leads me to my final point:

I recently listened to the podcast, Brydon &, where he was joined by his Would I Lie To You co-star, and one of my favourite TV personalities, David Mitchell. During their chat, Mitchell outlined that he thinks very strongly that comedy is the hardest thing to do and, most strikingly, the very highest form of art. I agree with him. It’s one thing to create tension and drama using real-life events, its another to subtly comment on them whilst managing to make someone laugh at the same time. And that’s what Derry Girls does. In the final episode, the two opposing sides of the referendum are embodied in a childish falling out between Erin and Michelle whilst the entire Troubles conflict is represented through a hilariously terrible school play (taking me back to the shameless, cringeworthy cliches of GCSE drama performances).

Just when Derry Girls has you laughing your head off, that’s when it makes you cry. And it’s all so deliberate and expertly crafted. It’s precisely because we are so familiar and comfortable with these characters that it affects us so much when things go wrong for them. Obviously, there was the genuine gut-wrencher of the death of Claire’s dad in episode five (spoilers, sorry), but there are subtler touches like Michelle actually looking affected by the horrendously amateur Troubles sketch as it caused her to think of her ostracised and imprisoned IRA fighter brother or my personal favourite moment of the whole show: Joe putting his hand on son-in-law Gerry’s shoulder when they watch the bomb report, having spent practically every other second of the series chastising him with increasingly inventive insults.

I honestly can’t speak highly enough of the show and I could keep writing for a lot longer about its considerable merits, but I’ll end with this: In a world of endless sequels and various “universes”, there is a real lack of anything new or original. And then Derry Girls stepped forwards. And somehow a comedy set in 90’s Northern Ireland has become the defining show for our new, modern era.

The Good (and lots and lots of Bad) of the European Super League

Yesterday may have been the biggest day in European football history. The announcement that twelve of Europe’s biggest teams, including six from the Premier League, have signed up to a new competition that they can run themselves is truly a seismic moment. I cannot remember a day like it in my time as a football supporter. Nothing has united all football fans in a common cause quite like this. There were numerous posts on social media declaring “football is dead.” This is a threatened shake-up to football’s structure and to the hierarchy of power within the football world. But what does the news that Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool, Man City, Man United and Tottenham have signed up to a breakaway competition actually mean? And is it the doomsday scenario that it seems to be?

Bad: Greed, greed and more greed.

It is impossible to start with anything else. This is not a sporting decision. As much as the chairmen of the clubs and instigators of the Super League might want to say otherwise, everyone can see that this is a decision taken in the interest of business and nothing else. Quite simply, the richest clubs in Europe have decided that they can be making even more money and that they’re now prepared to make that happen. The promise of an initial £3.5 billion investment from J.P Morgan for all of the Super League’s founder clubs is really the only detail that matters. It’s all the owners are thinking about. And given that these men that run the elite clubs are among the wealthiest in the entire world, this can only be seen as insatiable greed in its most detestable form.

Good: UEFA had this coming.

Despite all the blame that is rightly being laid at the doors of the clubs in question, it is also important not to be fooled into thinking that UEFA, or any of football’s other governing bodies, are the victims here. Indeed, one of the few good things to come from this announcement is that it is a wake-up call that UEFA have sorely needed. The people that run football are fundamentally inept. Take away the corruption, the racism scandals and the petty squabbles of the last ten years and UEFA is still a failing organisation. They have failed to control the egos of the continent’s elite clubs for far too long and something that has seemed inevitable for the last few years has finally occurred. Is it really any surprise that the leaders of the clubs, who despite all their failings are obviously all experienced businessman and negotiators, think they can run things better? Look around at other sports to see how a proper governing body acts. The RFU and the Gallagher Premiership recently relegated their reigning champions and most successful club, Saracens, for breaching salary cap restrictions. They saw something they didn’t like and acted quickly and emphatically. The crimes of our biggest football clubs make Saracen’s misdemeanour look like nothing and yet they have been repeatedly unchallenged and unchecked by the governing bodies. UEFA accused the clubs in question of “disrespect” in their statement yesterday. No shit Sherlock.

Bad: A goodbye to competition.

One major issue with the Super League as a concept is the fact that the founder clubs have made themselves immune to relegation, meaning the creation of a model like those in American sports. And no relegation means no consequences which means no competition. Has anyone ever watched a mid-table clash in the closing weeks of the season, where neither team has any chance of achieving anything nor the threat of demotion? It sucks. And with this concept, that could end up being nearly every other game. In fact, let’s use my own club, Chelsea, as an example. They could lose every single game they play in the Super League without any consequence whatsoever. How can that possibly be right?! Now for the argument that models like the NBA or the IPL are examples of how this can still be entertaining; they work for their respective sports because there are no clubs that are left on the outside. Football is the most watched and most played sport in the world and there are tens, if not hundreds, of clubs around Europe who should quite rightly be screaming: What about us?!

Good: It is time to throw tradition away.

The one argument that has been raised against the Super League that, for me, does not hold up is the call for traditions to be honoured. In a brilliantly impassioned speech, Gary Neville slammed his own club Manchester United as well as singling out Liverpool and Arsenal for spitting in the face of their hundred-year-old footballing heritage. I love Gary and it is people like him who should be making these decisions rather than fighting against them, but I have to disagree with him here. I’m not one for tradition. Yes, the clubs in question wouldn’t be in the position they are without the legendary contributions of figures like Herbert Chapman, Bill Shankly and Sir Matt Busby, but these men all lived and worked in a very different time. Footballers got paid in shillings and you were allowed to break an opponent’s leg without being booked. We have moved on. And like it or loathe it, the increased revenue generated by TV rights and sponsorships and an ever-growing global audience has meant that the clubs with the biggest names now have more power and influence and this has led to an uneven playing field. The Champions League is a fantastic and thrilling competition once we get to the knockout stages but with the odd exception, the same ten or so clubs will always ease through their groups, year in, year out. A failure to adapt to these changing conditions and a missed opportunity to have the biggest players and managers playing against each other more frequently is a bad thing. If the Super League was meant to replace the Premier League, this wouldn’t be a relevant argument. The fact that it is taking on the Champions League is far more understandable.

Bad: A crime against football.

And now for the part that really makes my blood boil. As referenced above, the increased globalisation and commercialisation of football has made some clubs stronger than they have ever been. Bayern Munich nearly always win the Bundesliga. Juventus, albeit about to be dethroned, won nine in a row. The three Spanish clubs have a gigantic advantage on the rest of the teams in their league. This is boring. I could understand why they might seek a change and a new challenge. But not the Premier League clubs. They are the biggest disgrace of them all. The reason we constantly declare that we have “the best league in the world” is because of its wonderful unpredictability and competitiveness. At time of writing, West Ham and Leicester occupy two of the four Champions League spots. Leicester are ten points clear of Arsenal and have just reached the FA Cup Final. If you want to look historically, Manchester United haven’t won the Prem since 2013, Arsenal not since 2004, Spurs not since fucking 1961! How dare they think that they have any right to raise themselves above their fellow sides. There is nothing that suggests they have any kind of monopoly or domination of any kind. You could even argue the gap between the best and the rest has actually narrowed if anything! The Premier League is the strongest division in Europe and I think we should have more Premier League clubs playing in the elite European competitions as they are good enough to be there, but not like this. Not without actually earning it.

I will finish with one final statement. The reason why I, and I think quite literally millions of others, love football above all other sports and even most things in life, is because in a ninety-minute game, there is always a chance that anyone can win. In sports like Basketball, the chance of scoring is so high that the better team will nearly always come through. In football, it can only take one moment. One deflection, one unexpected screamer, one piece of tactical thinking, one brilliant turn, one heroic block, one horrendous error or one piece of freakish, beautiful luck and the game can be won. Think every single FA Cup upset over the last hundred years, think of Greece or Denmark wining the European Championships against all odds, think of Leicester winning the title just five years ago! Think of the Aguero moment, where a whole fanbase went from agony to ecstasy, from bottle-jobs to champions, with one swing of a boot. That is what is at stake here. Football is the underdog’s sport. The sport where just about anything can happen. And anyone who thinks they are above all that, who thinks that they can act outside of these conditions, cannot really be a football fan at all.

Before Sunrise: So Much More Than an Experiment

I rewatched Richard Linklater’s Before Sunrise this week, planning to use it a source for a bibliography I have to write for Uni. It is a risk to return to a film you loved upon first watching it, as the enjoyment can so often be wrapped up in the individual, first-time viewing experience. Seeing it again can, on occasion, take away the magic. Thankfully, truly great films don’t suffer this indignity. And Before Sunrise is a truly great film.

The film is the first of a trilogy, which chronicles the relationship between two people who first meet on a train to Vienna and then two subsequent encounters, all nine years apart. It stars the same actors, Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy, playing the young lovers through their first meeting, reunion and after they are married and have kids. Linklater directs all three and, along with his Oscar-nominated Boyhood, he has built his reputation as the master of these ambitious and experimental movies. And therefore nearly all of the attention and analysis of the three films that make up the trilogy is centred on their unique, episodic nature. My own Uni essay is based on this very thing. And yet, this can detract from just how brilliant the films are in their own right.

The true genius of the trilogy is that if someone were to watch the films as they were released (in 1995, 2004 and 2013) then that viewer will have grown up at exactly the same rate as the two characters, Jesse and Celine. And as their own priorities and morals and values change, so do those of the characters, so that a relationship is created between viewer and film that is truly a rare and wonderful thing. But for someone that hasn’t had that honour, it is inevitable that one of the films will always produce a greater connection than the other two. And given I’m twenty-three, about the age of Jesse in Sunrise, this is the one that I love the most.

The film takes place around the streets of Vienna, as Jesse and Celine wander semi-aimlessly, more interested in each other than their surroundings, but the setting is crucial to the film’s power. It feels like we too are on a holiday, that we too have escaped for a day, into this foreign land we may never see again. It is of course, unmistakeably, a love story, yet it remains totally devoid of anything resembling cliché or cheesy Hollywood rubbish. The script is authentic and nuanced and the two leads’ chemistry is inevitably fantastic. Where it stands above similar films is in the fact that it so perfectly displays the awkwardness and blind naivety that characterises all young relationships without ever getting lost in it. Perhaps it is the fact we know of the greater, encompassing project that is behind the film, but it certainly possesses a self-aware or self-deprecating quality. You’re never annoyed by their pretentiousness as the film always manages to produce this echo of “Don’t mind them, they’re just kids.”

There is just something so wonderfully fleeting about it all. We see Jesse and Celine meet, spend one night together and then depart. And that’s all we need. The closing montage is a thing of genuine cinematic beauty, a collection of shots of all the places the couple visit. A bench on an empty backstreet, a statue in a square, the Ferris wheel where they had their first kiss, the path down by the Danube etc. All abandoned, as if they had come alive purely for the lovers to enjoy; a romantic idea that perfectly embodies how it feels when you are properly and thoroughly loved up. It may only be the first instalment of a truly momentous trilogy, but standing alone, I would argue Before Sunrise is so much more than an experiment. It is the most accurate and beautiful snapshot of young love ever put to film.

Hometown

It hits me at exactly the same moment every time. We have come off the motorway, taken the third exit and headed along the looping dual carriageway. The familiar farms and fields fly past on either side. We pass a couple of back roads that I know from the days I used to take my car and actively try and get lost amongst the muddy and sloping country lanes. But that’s the thing with hometowns, you can never get lost.

We pass the first roundabout. Garage to the right, Morrison’s in the distance. Now there are the first few rows of houses, lining up like the first wave of defence. We descend the hill, the speedometer always briefly flirting with forty before the brake eases it back down to the speed limit. I’ve run up this hill before. Drenched in sweat. Swiping the hair out of my face and then rubbing the sticky moisture that subsequently laces my palm on the front of my top. Legs burning as the final incline is reached. The movements of my body slow and forced, as if learning to run for the very first time.

And that’s when it hits me. We pass the pub at the bottom of the hill, which has actually been an Indian restaurant for the last ten or so years. It acts as the final checkpoint. Every time we pass it, it hits me that I’m actually home. A ball of tension or anxiety briefly bubbles up in my stomach. It is not overwhelming in the way that anxiety can sometimes feel and it never lasts long enough to ever seem worthy of concern. Instead, it works like the dip of a rollercoaster, a brief moment where your stomach lurches and you feel a bolt of energy shoot throughout your body, right down to the tips of your toes. And then as quick as it arrives, we turn the corner past the park gates and it departs again.

The park’s a funny place. When empty, it feels almost too grand for the town. The central bandstand looks magnificent in its ivory white tint when admired from a distance. When you’re close enough to touch it, you can see the rust of the metal poking through the painted white sheen like a parasite. The flowerbeds are similarly impressive, always decked in colour and decorated with skill and care. The circular path curves around and under the giant oak trees and leads to the children’s play area, which stands silent, the swings lightly swaying in the gentle breeze.

The park has soaked up my memories over the years. Curling in crosses for my brother to head past Dad, goalkeeping with fag in mouth between two tree trunks. Kissing under the wispier, prettier trees near the top whilst playfully gripping and pulling school uniform. Breaking up and making up on one of the many benches; crisis talks and apologies always delivered whilst facing straight ahead.

Now we pass the church on the right, with the long graveyard that extends out from its rear. The train station is straight ahead, behind an industrial park. There used to be a Blockbuster’s there, always busy on a Friday night. I remember throwing a tantrum because I wasn’t allowed to borrow X-Men 2. Now it is just another retail ghost that haunts the streets. I stood on the station bridge when I was little, pointing out trains and shaking with delight when one would pass underneath. There is also the station café where I was shaking again, lost in my own thoughts of leaving the town behind as quickly as I could.

And then we see the viaduct, standing tall and triumphant over the rest of the buildings in sight. A ruler from a different time still looming over its new subjects. Designed by Brunel, the series of arches amble along the width of the structure, the brick patching around them slowly having aged into a dull and dirty grey. Within one of Brunel’s historic arches is a pub named after him that mainly serves seventeen-year-olds with fake ID’s and single mothers looking to get over the bastard that left them. And it’s three Jagers for a fiver.

The cinema lies opposite the viaduct, a similar icon of the town’s history. It has been taken over and done up a few times, but there is still the smell of popcorn grease, sweat and decades of vomit that has ingrained itself into the walls of the place forever. It too holds many of my childhood memories, from afternoons lost in the magic of Ice Age or Finding Nemo to evenings where I hardly watched the film at all, flirting and fumbling in the darkness of the back rows.

We pass under the last arch and reach the final roundabout. This too is a centre of the town’s character, from learning to navigate its changing lanes during a driving lesson to the time I tried to overtake a lorry and nearly killed everyone in the car. We sail through much more easily on this occasion, the lights for once a series of gleaming greens. The final hill stretches out in front of us. Ahead lies my first school, the doctor’s surgery and hospital and the house of a friend I haven’t seen in years. One summer, I used to walk up there nearly every day and spend weeks doing keepy-uppies and pretend wrestling on the trampoline. Now, I doubt I’d recognise him if I were to pass him on the street.

We don’t go that far. The car cuts across the road and enters our street, the engine humming as the gears change softly. The bubble of tension in my chest is a distant memory as the serenity and security of the large, detached houses and the beautiful, well-kept front gardens surround me once more. The road eventually empties into our gravel driveway as the familiar sound of the crunch of the stones underneath the wheels rushes to my ears. The car comes to a stop. I may now be no more than a visitor to the house, but this is the one and only part of this old, crooked and comfortable little town that will always feel like home.

What will the Premier League look like in 2025?

The dreaded International Break has come upon us once more and for all football fans, we lose the magic of Premier League and Champions League being on the telly most hours of the day in favour of having to watch England play Albania and f***ing San Marino AGAIN.

In light of this break and also due to the fact I couldn’t think of a topic from the last week or two that I desperately wanted to write about, I decided to get a bit creative and look into the future. So, indulge my wild imagination for a bit and let’s jump ahead to the year 2025 where the country and world are hopefully Covid-free and we are enjoying some kind of repeat of the roaring twenties of the previous century. The Premier League will, of course, still be as strong and entertaining as ever but let’s see how the league’s giants may shape up in a few years’ time.

Disclaimer: I am focusing on the traditional “Big 6” even if that has never looked less secure or set in stone. Leicester are most definitely in the best six sides in the country at the moment (they’re arguably in the best three or four) but unfortunately I don’t see them maintaining this right the way through to 2025.

Arsenal

Coach: Mikel Arteta

Key Player: Bukayo Saka

How are they doing: Outsiders for the Title

Arsenal are, spoiler alert, the only club that I think will have the same manager in 2025 as they currently do now. Quite frankly, if they were going to sack Arteta, it would have happened already and most likely during their awful first half to this season where they were closer to relegation battlers than the elite. However, there is no doubt Arteta is part of a project at the Gunners and that he is in it for the long-term. Add to that the fact that the club’s most promising and most influential players are the ones that have come through their academy, with the best of the bunch being the hugely impressive Bukayo Saka, and Arsenal’s future would seem to be brighter than their present. If Arteta can continue clearing out some of the dead wood and add some further talent to assist their young guns, I think that he can build an exciting Arsenal side that their disheartened fans can fall back in love with again.

Chelsea

Coach: Zinedine Zidane

Key Player: Kai Havertz

How are they doing: Defending Champions

On the opposite end of the scale to Arsenal’s attempts at continuity, the challenge is not necessarily predicting the next Chelsea manager but rather guessing how many managers they will have gone through by then! As a battle-hardened Chelsea fan who is used to the never-ending managerial carousel at Stamford Bridge, there are some patterns that have emerged over Roman Abramovich’s tenure at the top of the club. Namely, the new guy is usually a complete change from the man he replaces. See replacing grumpy, authoritarian Mourinho with lovely, trusting Hiddink or swapping lifeless, hated Sarri with club icon Lampard. Therefore, after a successful few years under Thomas Tuchel, the players and board eventually tire of his high-intensity approach and instead opt to bring in the superstar-whisperer Zidane, who seeks to prove his worth outside of Madrid. With Chelsea’s investment in promising young players, it’s not a bad bet to suggest they’ll be leading the pack come 2025.

Liverpool

Coach: Steven Gerrard

Key Player: Pedro Neto

How are they doing: Battling for Top Four

Liverpool are probably the easiest side to predict as it feels the next few years of the club have already been planned and set in motion. Jurgen Klopp lasts another year or so as his fantastic side slowly disintegrates and disbands. The job of rebuilding is handed to a club legend, Steven Gerrard, after his impressive first stint in management at Rangers. The classic front three is split up with Salah heading to Spain and Firmino and Mane going past their peak. The new instalment features Diogo Jota, Raphinha, who is snapped up from Leeds, and then the best of the three, Pedro Neto, who leaves Wolves to flourish at Anfield. Gerrard has a tough job emulating Klopp’s league and European champions but still keeps the Reds in European contention.

Manchester City

Coach: Giovanni van Bronckhorst

Key Player: Erling Haaland

How are they doing: In transition

After a golden era in Manchester City’s history under the peerless Pep Guardiola, it is a different City team in 2025 as they attempt to restructure after the departure of the brilliant Catalan. After failing to entice Arteta from Arsenal and with Julian Nagelsmann taking the reigns at Bayern, City go for a left-field option and appoint ex-Dutch legend Gio van Bronckhorst. Why him? Well because he coached under Guardiola at City and has called Pep his “main managerial influence.” City opt to continue following the style of football Guardiola has implemented rather than go for a big name. And with the likes of Phil Foden and the best player in the league, Erling Haaland, in the team, they stay a massive threat.

Manchester United

Coach: Mauricio Pochettino

Key Player: Jadon Sancho

How are they doing: Title contenders

Yes, it finally happens. Poch takes over the United job about six years later than when he was first linked to it. Solskjaer’s spell ends up being promising without ever proving wholly successful and so when he departs, the United board go back to their original Plan A. Pochettino inherits a talented squad that boasts the likes of Jules Kounde, Patson Daka and most importantly, Jadon Sancho, plus current players like Greenwood and Rashford. He makes United easier on the eye and better at breaking down the smaller sides in the division which makes them the biggest threat to Chelsea’s crown as 2025 comes around in my wonderful, predicted future.

Tottenham Hotspur

Manager: Brendan Rodgers

Key Player: Ebere Eze

How are they doing: Trailing the rest

Spurs haven’t progressed a whole lot in the years leading up to 2025 in my mind. Mourinho leaves them as he leaves all the clubs he departs, in some sort of crisis, and the job of turning the fortunes around is given to Brendan Rodgers after Ledley King does a good job as caretaker. After his fantastic work at Celtic and Leicester, Rodgers more than deserves another crack at a big club and I don’t see anyone other than Spurs or Arsenal giving it to him. Harry Kane breaks all the goalscoring records at the club and remains their central point but is now in his thirties and past his blistering best so Rodgers looks around the Premier League to bolster his squad and signs the promising Eze to try and help lead Spurs back towards the top.

The Rest of the League

Of course, it’s never just about the teams at the top of the league and so here are some random shots in the dark about how the rest of the table might look. As mentioned, Leicester don’t sustain their Champions League form but they and Everton remain the best of the rest. At the other end, Crystal Palace, Burnley and Southampton unfortunately succumb to the drop after their long stints in the Premier League and are replaced with new mid-table marvels like Norwich and Brentford. Other notable stories include Wayne Rooney leading Derby County back to the big time and after years of disaster, Sunderland finally return to where they feel they belong. Newcastle, meanwhile, are still waiting for that takeover…

So, that’s how I see the Premier League shaping up come 2025. The beauty of making such outlandish predictions is seeing how they will turn out and I am certain that I will end up with some that make me feel smug and some that will just seem so ridiculous, it’ll be funny. Here’s to football remaining as entertaining as ever and to hopefully less international breaks going forward!

The Intouchables: Guaranteed to make you smile.

Let’s be fair. It’s been a shit year. We’ve all needed, at various times, a little pick-me-up and I have found just the film to provide it. The Intouchables or Untouchable, as is the release title in the UK, is one of those films that can’t fail but make you smile. It proved so popular and successful that there was even an Americanised remake, The Upside. For the love of God, don’t watch that instead. The Intouchables may not be a masterpiece of cinema in terms of innovative direction, it is just a simple story beautifully told and brilliantly acted.

The plot revolves around the aristocratic Phillipe (played by Francois Cluzet) who is a quadriplegic and requires a round-the-clock carer in his beautiful Paris home. Driss, (Omar Sly) a poor immigrant living on an estate, simply comes to the interview to get a signature so that he can continue receiving welfare benefits. Instead, Phillipe hires him and they begin to build an unconventional friendship.

A lot of the comedy of the film comes in the traditional ‘fish out of water’ narrative and the contrast between Driss and Phillipe’s upbringings and interests. However, where it really excels is in the way it deals with the disability element. There are times when Phillipe is even the butt of the joke, with Driss teasing him for some of his limitations. Yet, this is never awkward or mean-spirited and comes across instead as typical of an interaction between two able-bodied people, which is exactly how it should be.

The positive representation goes further, with Phillipe never shown to feel too sorry for himself or in any way bemoan his condition. He tricks the police, smokes marijuana and even has a romantic arc, making it one of the better, most rounded portrayals of a disabled character that I can remember on screen. And yet, the whole time you are waiting for something to go wrong. For his condition to worsen, for him to lose hope, for the sad ending that seems inevitable in this kind of film.

It never comes. Instead, the film indulges in some of the best feel-good moments I have seen in a long while. The paragliding sequence with Phillipe and a reluctant Driss taking to the skies, to the backing track of Nina Simone’s “Feeling Good”, is wonderful and if the ending shot doesn’t at least bring a happy tear to your eye, then I can’t help you. You’re a lost cause.

There are films for every occasion. Some are designed to make you think, others to make you feel, some fail to do either but instead allow you to switch off and escape. If you are after a film that will, if nothing else, brighten your day and make you smile, then I really can’t recommend The Intouchables enough.

Stoner Review

Sadly, it takes a pretty special book these days for me to feel genuinely excited about reading a novel. Luckily, John William’s Stoner is a pretty special book.

I came upon it purely by luck, browsing through WH Smith’s pretty average selection of classics (I used to work for Waterstones so I may be a tad biased) when I’d actually come in for something else. It was the title that stood out to me; it evoked memories of reading works from the drug-fuelled Beat Generation writers such as Kerouac and Burroughs. I like a bit of that. So, I thought I’d take a punt, given that I don’t read for pleasure enough and thought actually spending money on a book might inspire me to do so.

Stoner contains exactly zero mentions of recreational drugs so if you were looking for that, as I was initially, I guess you’d be disappointed. However, if you got over that quickly, you would find yourself being pulled in by a genuine masterpiece of twentieth century literature.

The plot is basic. It follows William Stoner, a poor farm boy who goes to the University of Missouri and whose discovery and subsequent love of English Literature inspires him to teach there as well. Not exactly the most thrilling synopsis ever. And in that respect, I would concede its maybe a bit of a ‘writer’s read’, if there is such a thing.

That is due to the skill of the author in carefully crafting every sentence to make the ordinary and everyday exchanges of life seem so interesting. If you’re a regular follower of this blog (I know there’s millions of you…) you’ll know that I have a particular fetish for this ability, it’s something I admire in TV shows like Gavin and Stacey and Detectorists and it’s on display in pristine prose format from the very first line of this novel. Williams describes studying, work, friendship, love, hate and even death in such a way that you will find yourself going ‘whoa’ and re-reading many a line again just because it sounds so good.

Most of the criticism on the novel is centred on an atmosphere of sadness that permeates throughout. I don’t disagree with that as such, the exchanges between Stoner and his wife are particularly brutal at times, but I wouldn’t say that it left me feeling down or depressed. Instead, I would choose to see it as a novel about celebrating small victories. It’s about making the best out of a bad situation. You find yourself cheering when Stoner, at this point an old lecturer past the point of caring, misbehaves just enough to get one over his villainous head of department. Equally, as the novel gently ticks along, you find yourself liking the man at its centre more and more. At the beginning he’s sort of one-dimensional and, if anything, a bit dull by modern standards, but by the end you appreciate that this is a thoroughly decent and kind man who deserves a break that he never properly gets.

One of the opening lines of the novel tells us that Stoner is not often remembered by his colleagues after his death. Given that the book was first published in 1965, it has certainly not suffered the same fate as it’s titular character. I can confirm that I won’t be forgetting it in a hurry either.  

The Last Train Home

Few things are as satisfying as seeing the train, your train, poke it’s head out around the corner of the platform like a tortoise emerging from it’s shell. The noise of the engine approaching, an ever so slight change in the air as wind is pushed in your direction. It is the match that lights many a drunken fire and brings the people on the platform to life.

The last train home is a social phenomenon. It is the paradigm for human behaviour, in all its diversity and wonder. The roars of delight start to echo around the old platform as groups of men; at this point closer to walking, talking cocktails of alcohol, blood and tissue than human beings, see their route home arrive. Their female counterparts join in the excitement, awkwardly limping towards the incoming train, hindered by high heels and their own haziness, making it look to any unfortunate bastards already on the train that a sort of zombie army is descending upon them. Or perhaps its a war-zone, as loyal friends battle to pull fallen comrades off benches, steps or the ground, before slinging their limp arms over their shoulders and marching them to the doors. As men jockey and hustle for the best position, in order to be closest to their vulnerable female targets. As scared and sober recruits huddle in the comfort of their units, ready to fight their way to a seat.

The crowd disperses, forming smaller mounds around each of the carriage doors, the anticipation rises, slurred monologues about the beauty of life and stories about fights with “six-foot fuckers” and “posh twats” come to a momentary halt as the unmistakable click of the doors opening is heard and the neon orange lights signal that it is time for the bedlam to move to closer quarters.

I am amongst the group gathering by Coach F, my eyes moist as a mixture of the cold and my own weary state of mind leave me with a slightly smeared view of what lies in front of me. I am alone, my only accomplices being the beat and rhythm of the music that flows from my headphones and reverberates around my head. The music has the effect of somewhat numbing the action going on around me, everything seems ever so slightly more distant, the cackled laughs of a hen party nearby pierce my ears a fraction less.

Bad choice of carriage, I think to myself. The music has an isolating effect though, meaning that when I look around and see some kind of absurd and distorted community being born, I feel at no point a part of it. Someone knocks into my back, jolting me forwards, I turn and am greeted with an apologetic hand from an intoxicated stranger, though that is where the communication ends as whatever he was trying to say I can’t hear through the music. We can’t even share a knowing glance as he fails to hold my gaze, his pupils constantly slipping downwards in his eyelids, like an oyster being gulped from its shell. I turn back to find more movement; my group are beginning to enter the train. I shyly place myself in a line, politely allowing a couple of women to go in front of me before following them onto the carriage.

A train never feels narrower than at eleven o’clock at night, as you leave the cold air behind and become engulfed in the sweaty, boozy atmosphere, crammed into the tight space between the adjoining carriages, unable to move without brushing a stranger. History flashes before me as I imagine myself embarking on a voyage, escaping my home country and its lack of resources and joining my compatriots on a journey into the unknown in the hope of a better life. The pilgrims didn’t have to deal with football chants, is my second and less poignant thought. Gradually, the conveyor belt of partygoers clicks back into life and I find myself walking into the minefield that Coach F has become.

The mines in question are the ‘avoidables’- the groups of people appearing too rowdy and troublesome, as well as any unfortunate souls who look at all as if projectile vomiting is in their near future. I settle for a seat next to a businessman with headphones in, like me, staring out the window, on the basis that if he does not look at the carnage, it is in fact not there. I am not so evasive; on the contrary, this is my sport.

You see, the thing with chaos is that it’s addictive. When there is a terrible accident reported on the news, yes our first thought goes out to those who suffered, but it is swiftly followed by the extremely natural reaction of “I wonder what I’d have done?” We hear tales of unprecedented disaster and a part of us longs to be there. Now, I do not live near areas of war or unrest, so I settle for my own personal, bitesize fix: the intoxicated insanity of the last train home.

Detectorists: Hidden Gold

We are living in a golden age of television at the moment. Never has there been such quantity or quality consistently available to our watching eyes, with the plethora of streaming services now out there also meaning that there is more content than we could ever want or need. Due to this, it has perhaps become inevitable that some shows simply just slip under the radar and don’t attract the attention and praise that they rightly deserve. Detectorists is one of these shows. In fact, rather ironically given what the show is about, it is a tiny speck of gold among the rubble.

First broadcast on BBC Four in 2014, Detectorists never captured the public imagination in the way other comedies like Gavin and Stacey or Fleabag have done, though it is worth pointing out it still featured in the thirty most watched shows of the last decade. But I hadn’t heard of it. And so to me it seemed underappreciated. When my flatmate recommended it and we began to religiously sit down and watch it, I was slowly sucked into its charm and simplicity and having just watched the final episode, I can now say that it is a true masterpiece of British television.

I will attempt to describe the basics of the plot now but with the crucial disclaimer that there is no-one on Earth who could attempt to sell Detectorists based purely off what happens in it, because basically nothing does. It follows Lance and Andy, two strange, awkward men (played astoundingly well by Toby Jones and Mackenzie Crook) whose main passion in life is metal detecting (hence the title). Stay with me. Every episode we see them going out into the fields of their local rural area, hoping to find ancient gold but often instead ending up with bottle caps or other bits of discarded trash. We see their wonderfully mundane interactions with their fellow members of the DMDC (Damebury Metal Detecting Club) and we see snip-its of their perfectly normal and simple home lives.

And yet the real selling point of the show is that it revels in the dull. It is a celebration of everyday normality. Mackenzie Crook is also the writer of the show and deserves the utmost credit in crafting sharp and at times hilarious dialogue when all the characters are really talking about are the questions from QI or University Challenge the night before or the merits of their respective metal detectors. More than anything, the atmosphere he generates is a pleasant one, one where you’re encouraged to gently chuckle along. There are no elaborate comedic set-ups or witty punchlines, though a special mention here has to go to Sophie Thompson’s Sheila, who manages to make me laugh out loud with literally every thing she says. My particular favorite is when she suggests that to raise money, the eclectic and odd-looking members of the DMDC should release a nude calendar!

Other things I want to mention include the wonderful cinematography, which features long, sweeping shots of the countryside. Honestly, dull old England has never looked so good. Also the fact that there are no nasty characters, everyone is layered and fundamentally good-natured; even the rival detectorists, the Dirt Sharks, act more as the butt of the joke and are ultimately redeemed in the end. And finally, the theme song, written and sung masterfully by Johnny Flynn, which is so heart-warming and catchy I have now made it a crucial part of my Spotify playlist. Seriously, it bangs.

The final thing I want to say is another compliment to Crook, who really cannot get enough acclaim for the skill of his screenwriting. As a writing student, I have been taught relentlessly about the importance of setting up plot points and then bringing them to a satisfactory and ‘earned’ conclusion. Crook does this as well as I’ve seen anyone manage it. Every little thread, however trivial or irrelevant it seems, will eventually be drawn together and often in a way that makes you beam with delight.

So, very much like Lance and Andy, I felt like I was wandering around the endless fields of the intimidating television landscape. With Detectorists, I can honestly say that I unearthed a piece of hidden gold.

A Love Letter to Gavin and Stacey

When Gavin and Stacey returned after ten years with the 2019 Christmas Special, the show also had the chance to return to the public conscience. The truth is it had never left. The 12.3 million viewers that tuned into the special on BBC One on Christmas Day show just how popular and culturally significant the show has become. That works out at nearly 20% of the population watching the same show at the same time. It is the show that launched the career of James Corden, one of the few British entertainers to truly have cracked America, spawned a ton of catchphrases and idioms and massively helped Barry Island’s tourism. It is also my favourite programme. I have probably seen each individual episode about twenty times each. I could accurately repeat whole scenes line by line. It has become like a comfort blanket and a friend. Whenever Gavin arrives at his parents, Pam and Micks, it feels like I too am home.

So, what makes it so iconic? I think the first thing to mention is a quality that I have probably just invented but that is best described as ‘rewatchability.’ It is not a synonym for good or brilliant, as there are numerous television shows that I have enjoyed hugely when watching them but have no intention of returning to. It doesn’t even necessarily connote quality in terms of something that is critically well-received or that is truly original. ‘Rewatchability’ instead refers to an inherent warmth or charm and it tends to be a quality that is found in shows whose goal is to make the viewer happy. The best and most obvious example is Friends, whilst other American sitcoms like The US Office and New Girl also manage to produce this, mainly because with 24 episodes in a season, there is so much content to enjoy. One huge compliment to Gavin and Stacey is that it manages to be so ‘rewatchable’ despite there only being three seasons of six to seven episodes and a couple of Christmas specials. It will just always be able to to raise a smile or cause a chuckle, even when you know exactly what is coming next.

This ‘rewatchability’ is also due to another key attribute of the show, which is its realism. Other shows are more laugh-out-loud funny but none have been able to create characters that are as authentic or true. As iconic as comedy characters like Alan Partridge or David Brent are, you can’t really imagine yourself bumping into them in the supermarket, whereas running into Pam, Mick or Bryn seems somehow normal and believable. None of them are comedians, they are just normal people who happen to say funny things, which is what most normal people can do in my experience. All of this is borne from the earliest premise of the show, with James Corden saying in a number of interviews that he’d “never seen a Wedding on TV like one he’d actually been to.” That one-off show about a wedding eventually became a multi-episode series but that effort to create something true to life has led to an affinity between the characters and audience that is rarely found. I saw on Facebook the other day a thread a fan had posted, imagining how the Gavin and Stacey characters would all be coping with the lockdowns of the past year. That sort of says it all.

Finally, I want to mention the sheer brilliance of the writing behind it. James Corden and Ruth Jones are rightly celebrated for the quality of their scripts and you always know a piece of writing has entered the hall of fame when the process of creating it becomes famous as well and Corden and Jones’ epic marathon writing sessions have done just that. Jones on the laptop and Corden wandering around restlessly proved to be a wonderful recipe for success. It’s a combination of well-crafted scenes that masterfully increase in tension and humour, a number of genuinely hilarious one-liners (“There’s the salad”, “It’s usually used on cattle but she reckoned the effect would be exactly the same” and “Where to she now then” to name just three) and a sort of unique, intrinsic language that is both nonsensical and authentic. The iconic moments of the show: Smithy’s Indian order, the fishing trip motif and the ‘American Boy’ rap are all examples of script-writing at its very finest.

So, thank you Gavin and Stacey for providing so much entertainment. I don’t think I will ever stop re-watching you. If I could be so bold as to ask for one more little favour after all you’ve already done… a fourth series wouldn’t hurt.